Ladies, it’s yet another restless night. I wake up to get a drink or go pee and my thoughts go to my marriage and what to do and then, regardless of how tired I am, I can’t go back to sleep. So, here I am. I can’t sleep, and it’s too late to call a friend so I’m writing and you know how I love to write.

It’s funny I had a plan for what I was going to write and it all just blew up as I wrote the brief intro above. Somewhere in my journals, I wrote about difficult decisions. I wrote that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, difficult decisions are difficult, because deep down we know the answer and the path forward associated with what we know is going to be hard. All of this just came back to me as I typed the word “Ladies.”

I’m inserting this paragraph, unbeknownst to you until now, because I’m worried that I’m using this to manipulate the narrative. I fully admit that I am a master manipulator, but I am aware of that and I try to keep it in check. So please read with caution and know that I may be “working you.”

I’ve recently spoken to all of you except Bethany, but I believe that Bethany is up to speed based on past conversations I’ve had with her. If not, then I’ll catch her up with this letter.

When Cheryl and I got married we were perfectly matched. She was a very strong independent woman and me a very weak man. Things worked great until I changed. I am no longer weak. I’m still highly compliant, but that is not weakness. As they say, when one of the two parties in a relationship changes, the unchanged party bears the burden.

First off, let me be clear, there is no other woman and there has never been another woman. Mom will point to a time that I indulged in pornography as cheating on her. She would point to Jesus’ words on the Sermon on the Mount. If looking at naked women is the same as cheating then, yes, I cheated on her. Otherwise I have never physically been with another woman. To be clear I’ve never even had the opportunity, never been intimate, never kissed or caressed another. That said, I do have two close female friends that have helped me in recent years.

One of those friends is a lady I worked with at the City. You may recall that I helped her with her sprinkler system and then a couple of years later helped her daughter with her sprinkler system. When mom refers to the woman that knows about our marriage, this is the woman she is referring to. As I said, I consider her a close friend, but we have never done anything more than hug, as friends do, and drop inuendoes in conversation. She has given me more encouragement and advise during the past 5 years than any of my male friends. The funny thing here is that when Cheryl refers to the woman that knows about our marriage, she has no idea how true the statement is. She is referring to a paper I wrote on the complexities of relationship between dominant and compliant people. I’m not confessing anything here because there is nothing to confess. I just want you to be fully informed – so I’m being as honest and frank as I am comfortable with.

The other female friend is a woman I currently work with. We connected almost instantaneously about 2 months ago. Again, nothing physical or intimate. I had just come to the realization that, in spite of Cheryl’s current efforts, she was not changing from inside. What I mean by that is that even though her outward actions were positive, she was still untrusting and uncommitted to me. With this realization, I knew our marriage would never be a healthy one. Here’s how the instantaneous connection worked out. I walked into her office for some typical work questions, looked into her eyes and immediately knew that something huge was happening behind the smile and pleasant “Good Morning.” So, me being me, too stupid not to ask, I asked her what was wrong. Even during the asking of the question, I knew her answer was going to be that she and her husband were separating. Which is exactly what she said was wrong. Over the past two months we’ve leaned on each other for support and encouragement. Again, there is innuendo in the conversation, as there always is when I’m talking.

Now I’m not saying that I haven’t thought about being physical with these women. I have. A lot. I think about being physical with a lot of women. That’s not to justify anything – only to be completely forthright. So if thinking about sex with a woman is equal to having sex then I’ve had hundreds, if not thousands, of affairs in my 35 year marriage. For the record, I do not believe that what Jesus said at the Sermon on the Mount was a message to Believers. If it was then we are all murderers and adulterers. We should also all be one eyed and one handed because he said we should pluck out our eye or cut off our hand if either causes us to sin. I can get into detail on that some other time.

I won’t go into how we got here. You all know my short-comings as well as Cheryl’s. It’s really not that hard to figure out. I’m willing answer any questions you have.

So where is “here?” This gets back to the beginning of this letter where I wrote about difficult decisions. I believe that “here” is divorce. Please don’t use anything in this letter to attempt to motivate Cheryl to take this all more seriously. It’s too late for that anyway. My purpose here is to inform you and present a pre-emptive defense of what I believe will happen once this becomes real to Cheryl. For the record, I will let her say whatever she wants in order to appease her conscience. I will not counter her accusations and I will not defend myself. This is not as noble as it may appear. My motivation is to get through this as quickly and calmly as possible. I don’t want to lose any more of my life on emptiness. I am truly hurting (actually tearing up as I type) for the pain this will cause you and your families. But I’m selfish and I don’t want to keep living in a hollow marriage. You four, and your families, are the only good thing I can point to in my marriage. Fuck that. The only great thing, the only amazing thing, the only wonderful thing that I can point to in my marriage is you and your families. I am so proud of the women, wives and mothers that you are. In spite of your parents, you are all uniquely amazing. Fully committed to your husbands – even when one of them, who shall remain unnamed – but it rhymes with pain, is an asshole. No two of you are the same either. Yet all of you seem to have observed what was crappy in a marriage (as modeled by Cheryl and me) and determined not to continue that pattern.

I initially told Cheryl that I would give her time to process all of this before making a decision about our future. But after, nearly three weeks it is obvious that this is not consuming her the way it should. Other than a short conversation two days after I dropped this bomb in her lap she has said nothing about it. This tells me that she is not really taking this seriously and I’m not willing to waste more time. In order to help expedite the process I plan to take a financial hit and give Cheryl more than the typical 50/50 split, but also reduce her monthly maintenance as a consolation. My hope is that she will acknowledge it is a good deal and allow us to move through the process quickly.

I told Stephanie that it is important that you all support Cheryl through this. She is going to need it. If sides need to be picked, then pick her side. I know Stephanie told Jessica what I said but I don’t know if Christina and Bethany know. Of course, I don’t want to lose the relationship I have with you all and that’s not my point. I am better equipped to go through this without support that Cheryl is. If Cheryl is devastated by the shock of the divorce and the lack of support from you, you will lose a darn good grandmother. So my thinking is that you are better off with a good grandmother than a mediocre, at best, grandfather. This is not false humility or fishing for a compliment. It’s reality. I’ve spent the better part of 21 years looking hard into the mirror at the man that stared back at me. I am very aware of my short-comings. I am working to strengthen them, but it is deep and invasive and a slow process. In the end I know I have your support, what I’m saying here is Cheryl won’t know that unless you tell her….a lot.

I want to take a moment and let you know that I know I am a good man. I understand the whole Christian theme of none of us being good. That’s a separate topic. In general, when measured against men of the world, I am a good man. Honest. Fairly high integrity. Keep my word most of the time. Do the right thing. I could keep going, but it’s starting to get a little awkward. That said, I failed to keep my marriage intact. Sure, it’s a two-way street, but here’s the difference: I knew that my actions were flat out wrong, yet I continued to do it. Cheryl is oblivious to her poor treatment of me and is therefore not as guilty as I am. I have literally prayed for her to die so I could be free. How horrible is that? I’ve also prayed that I would die in my quest for the same freedom.

Going forward, I have no idea what will happen. I have some predictions on what will happen in the short term, but what about after the divorce is final? What does life look like? It’s scary. I got married at 19. I’ve been married for 35 years, 7 months, 25 days as of this writing. I’ve been married almost twice as long as I was single. I’ve been married for well over half my life. It’s scarey…and exciting. I’m excited about the opportunities that lie ahead. I’ve had glimpses of who I am, because the two women I mentioned earlier have asked me some very pointed questions and, unbeknownst to them, caused me to dig really deep into who I am. I don’t know where I will live. I don’t know how to date. I don’t even know how I will survive, but I’m excited about my future. I do know that I don’t want to be alone. In spite of this introverted persona I espouse, I am most content when I’m around people. Okay, overstated. I’m most content when I’m one on one with someone that admires me. In my work-life, I am regarded as a leader and a teambuilder. My opinion is desired. My bosses make multi-million dollar decisions based on my input – not solely on my input, to be clear. I am admired by co-workers, other engineers, City staff and industry professionals in general. It feeds my ego to be around people that admire me. Maybe that is weak. If so, then call me weak.

I want to find someone that admires me as I am. I want to find someone that will help me discover me. I want to be with someone that can be my best friend – even though the concept of “best friend” is foreign to me. I want to be with someone that will help me understand what a best friend is. I want to be with someone that is content. Someone that seeks my opinion because they consider me wise. Someone that knows me and still wants to be with me. And I want to be all of that for someone else. I want to grow into a real caring human being. I don’t like being “Dexter.” I want to be with someone that will work with me through all my baggage and help me become the man I know I can be.

I have no idea how to find this person – or if she exists. Yes, she! The gender neutral “person” of the previous paragraph needs to be, has to be, a she. It might take months or years. It could take days. But when I find her, I don’t plan to let her go. I understand that you all will have issues with any woman that comes into my life. Invariably she will not be good enough, but please know that when I find her, if I find her, she will become a part of my life. Nobody will every replace Cheryl in your lives or Gaga in your children’s lives, but I need to replace her in my life. Not replace, as in get a newer model of the same woman, but replace, as in, a whole new model and manufacturer.

Well, it’s 4am now and I need to send this before I chicken out. I realize this is heavy and a lot to digest. Feel free to ask questions or challenge anything I’ve said.